all the signs were there

In those first few months of trying to conceive, i learned so much about the reproductive system and all the different tools that were out there to use to help yourself get pregnant.  I chose to buy a fertility microscope.  I am a scientist and that looked cool (and cheaper than ovulation sticks).  When you are fertile, your saliva looks like ferns.  How crazy is that?!

Sign number 1: I hardly ever got ferns.  I mean, I got some ferns, but abundant ferns like the pamphlet shows?  No.

Eventually I broke down and started charting.  I got a thermometer by my bed and i put it in my mouth every morning when i woke up.  Your temp may dip when you are ovulating or just about to and your temp rises after you ovulate.

Sign number 2: i never got a dip very often and the rise was never very much

From reading about charting i found out that your temp should stay high about 10-12 days post ovulation (this is called your luteal phase)  This is to ensure that a fertilized egg has time to stick to your uterus before the lining is shed.

Sign number 3: My luteal phase was anywhere from 4-7 days.

The girls told me about ovulation sticks.  The digital ones, hell no, they are $60 for 7 sticks.  I got some cheaper ones online, not digital but they will do the trick.

Sign number 4: I never got a definite positive lh surge.

I had self diagnosed myself as having a luteal phase deficiency.  So, i started asking google what i could do about this.

Vitrex / chaste tree was the first thing that came up.  So, i took myself to a health shop.  The ladies knew exactly what i was after.  I chose the liquid b/c it worked faster.  BLAH, so freakin' disgusting i gagged every morning!  I eventually got the pills.

all the annoucements

So, the every other day bonking sessions don't seem to be working for us.  Two coffee group members are up the duff after only trying 2-3 months.  What is wrong with me?!  We have been trying 6 months so i go to the doctor.  What is the deal, doc?  Evidently, couples of our age should expect it to take up to a year.  Relax, it will happen, keep trying.  If it doesn't in 6 month time, we'll order some tests.

All was ok though, there was only lady in the group who wanted a big age gap between her kids and wasn't trying until her kid was closer to the age of 3.  So, the pressure was off, it will happen, her and I will be pregnant together and it will be awesome.  Our fertility schedules were even at the same time.  We were on the two week wait together.  I remember it vividly, at the zoo.  It was brought up by one of the others how it was going, i looked at her and she was blushing.  First month success!  Whilst i was very happy for her b/c i love her it was a huge blow to me.   All of a sudden i felt like the barren outsider.  I was the only non-pregnant person in the group.  Literally EVERY other person had a baby growing in their belly.

But, i put on a brave face and got through that day at the zoo.  Then, in the car on the way home i cried.  I think it was the first time i cried about this baby shit.  For the first time fear set in that I was going to miss the second baby bus.  For the first time i feared that i may only have one child.

I am thankful that one coffee group member was going through the same deal as myself.  Though she moved to another town.  Her and I bonded over the horror of this not being able to get pregnant stuff.  I think our bond is deep, as the pain felt with secondary infertility can't be explained in words.  As much as I absolutely hate that my dear friend has gone on this journey with me, on the other hand, I am so thankful to of had her in my life.  The bond and friendship and challenges, little did we know, would carry on for years.

starting out

There was never a day that i thought "I only want one child".  I always thought i would at least have two, preferably 4.  We were blessed with our little boy without going through any of the trying stuff.  All we had to do was drink a bit too much home made schnapps (ok, well me, i drank too much) and boom!  So, deciding to start 'trying' for a baby was a bit of a foreign concept to us.  And once I had a baby, my gosh it was so challenging and draining that for the first time in my life did i ever think "yea, i could be good with just one".  Then one day, something happened.  I remember it, it was around the 15 month mark when things just got a big easier.  And we both said, yea, we could do another.  But what do we do?

I was lucky to have a great coffee group/antenatal group and all of us seemed to start trying for our second around the same time.  All of the ladies in the group tried for their first.  So, i got all the advice.  Start on day 10 of your cycle and have sex every other day till day 20.  Ok, that is manageable. I went to the dr, got all my checks i needed, got some folic acid,

First month, easy peasy, do the deed as we should and wait.  Then the period comes. Second month, shake it off and get back on it.  period comes.  Third month... wow, who the heck has sex this much?  I am working 3 days a week, my kid STILL doesn't sleep through the night, but I will do it if i have to.  Forth month.  Fifth month.....

Two coffee group members have a positive test!  

background

Hi.  My name is Becca.  I have a wonderful husband, Simon and the best little boy, Bodie, anyone could ask for.  Bodie is about to turn 5.  Does he have any siblings?  No.  We have struggled with secondary infertility for the past 3.5 years.  After joining a facebook support group a few ladies asked me if i had a blog b/c of my candid posts and comments.  So, i thought, why not?

I have no idea if we would have suffered from primary infertility b/c Bodie was the best surprise we have ever received.  We started trying for a second baby when our son was 18 months old in June 2011.  We are still trying for a second baby in January 2015.

I will try and cast my mind back over the years and write about the various things that stick out most in my memory.

One thing I can tell you right now is Secondary infertility is an isolating disease that sucks.